The following post was written some months ago in amongst surgeries. Little did I know at the time part of the emotional struggle I was going through was related to menopausal symptoms.
“I am still in shock that my business is up and running. Getting compliments from people on my skills, work, experience and education is very weird for me right now. This disease takes much more than the physical from us.
Rationally I know I am a highly capable and competent person but after everything it is hard to see past all the broken bits. People think I am confident when inside I’m just waiting for the world to fall out from under me again. Part of me wants to be content but the real me keeps knocking at the door and reminding me I crave and am capable of more. The big issue is to now find the confidence and energy to allow the real me to come back.
This is not the usual way I communicate but it is a big part of me right now. Sorry to dump but partner finds this talk odd because he has seen me at my best both professionally and personally. He finds it weird that I can be so lost now. Others question why I need to push the boundaries. Others see my confusion and think I should get on with it and don’t understand why I have trouble. If you are reading this chances are you have more of an understanding as to what I am going through, why I need to create Endometriosis Australia as well as my own business but also how this disease can bring doubt into my life.
How do I get through the doubt? I keep moving. It is a combination of – Fake it until you make it and if you are going through hell keep going.
There have been moments in my life that have taught me that it is important to keep moving. If it a bad day, be in that and process it but when the sun rises, it is a new day and time to move forward. If it is a longer issue keep moving forward towards your goals even if it is teeny tiny baby steps. What is behind you is of now use, the hell that surrounds you is not productive, the only way out is to keep moving forward. Right now I constantly fight my demons, I constantly fight the doubt. Intellectually I know I am capable, I know I am highly educated and skilled and even though my demons try to drag me down I know from experience if I keep moving I will leave the doubt, the hell behind and find a place worthy of doing a happy dance.”
I got my answers. I found out my remaining ovary has shut down. I still have hard days but it is a whole lot better than it was earlier in the year.
I know when I find the place worthy of doing my happy dance I won’t be alone.